It’s a bit of a grim subject. Death. Dying.
It’s not often a subject that gets much discussion. Like it’s taboo. To talk about death and dying is secretive. We don’t want to be a downer. But to talk about death is also to talk about life.
If someone asked you the question, “What do you want to do before you die?”
You don’t think about dying. You think about living. Like “If you only had one day left on Earth, what would you do? Who would you spend it with?”
For me, it makes me think about the bigger picture stuff. It puts everything into perspective. I’m certainly not going to give a shit if there is a mess in the kitchen, what school events are on this week, or my workload at the office. I’m thinking about leaving a legacy. How have I contributed to humankind during my short time here? How has the time that I have spent here mattered? Will a part of me continue after I am gone? Will it be through the children that I have raised or the people that I have shared special moments with? Will it be through the projects that I’ve worked on, the passions that I have nurtured, and the little bit of difference that I have made? Did I leave this Earth a little brighter as a result of my being here?
These are things that, as I sat with my Mum while she was in the late stages of her cancer, we talked about openly. We talked about her legacy. The many things that she felt she didn’t have enough time here to complete. She had wanted to share some of her experiences, through her journals, in the hopes that they might help others going through life’s ups and downs. She left her poetry, her own innate talent, a piece of her forever accessible through her words. A glimpse into her mind, her heart and her life. To those dearest to her, she left her mark on them permanently. To be loved by my Mum (or Nana) was to know unconditional love. It is an incredible legacy to leave your loved ones with the knowing that they are loved endlessly. I am blessed to have been loved in this way.
This type of loving is what I would hope to leave my children, husband, family and friends with, to know that I will always love them, and I will always have their back. It’s an incredibly powerful thing to know that you have a person with you, who will love you NO MATTER WHAT.
When we were planning her funeral. We had a lot of fun with it. We planned out the order of the service. What people would wear – NO BLACK CLOTHES! She wanted everyone to be bright and colourful. We planned the music that she wanted to be played at the service, and also at the after party (wake). Her favourite songs, which she had no clue of their names or who sang them, but she loved to sing along to them all the same. We planned the food, drinks, and the venue. She called it her FUN-eral, and said, in her macabre sense of humour…
“It’s a shame I won’t be able to make it. It’s going to be great”.
“Umm, not that great, Mum”, I replied, equally gutted and amused.
In different cultures, death is honoured in so many beautiful, sacred and special ways. Open extended displays of mourning and grieving, sometimes over many months or even years. Families and communities come together in celebration of life. I had the honour of being a part of a very special ceremony called a ‘tombstone unveiling’ when I was 16, staying with one of my best friend’s family during the summer school holidays on Thursday Island (TI, Waiben). The tradition is held sacred by Torres Strait Islanders and involves the family and community, after saving for the tombstone of their loved one who has passed, in a celebration of music, dance, prayer and feasting, unveiling it to the community, in memory of the loved one’s life and the unbreakable bonds of love and spirit that will always remain. I was in awe of this traditional celebration of life, even in death, and it was the first of many times, I wished so badly to have some ‘culture’ within my own life. I remember thinking “There is nothing at all like this back home (Brissy) in my White/Western culture. When people die, everyone just gets sad and doesn’t talk about the person much again! It’s such a shame”
If you’re reading this and you belong to a culture that has a beautiful way of celebrating death, grieving, and/or the afterlife, please share it. I’d love to hear from you. I find it fascinating.
(Read more about Tombstone Unveiling here – https://www.mabonativetitle.com/info/tombstoneUnveiling.htm)
When we shirk away from talking about death, I feel like we are missing one of the biggest points of life. Our time here is fleeting. We can live our lives with gratitude when we ask ourselves these questions, and when we consider this fact about the other loved ones in our lives. Our time here is not guaranteed. So make the most of your time. Talk about the things that truly matter. Do not shy away from the realness of life and death. It’s amazing the conversations that can open up when you truly see the world through this lens. Don’t be afraid to die, and don’t be afraid to live. Honour the memory of your loved ones who have passed, in whatever way feels right to you. Hold their memory in your heart and celebrate how special they were and still are. One of the most important messages I received during my journey through grief is;
Just because a person’s life has ended, does not mean that your relationship with that person has to end.
I still celebrate Mum’s birthday each year, with a slice of Pavlova and some comedy shows. In the early days after her passing, when I’d still go to pick up the phone and call her, and couldn’t, I learnt to write to her instead. I have quite a few “Dear Mum” journals now, 6 years on.
The one guarantee is that with life comes death. It’ll happen, eventually, to everyone you know and love. It will happen to me, one day. And, it will happen to you. So, how are you going to make the most of your time here?
Can you answer the question, “What do you want to do before you die?”
Lots of love,
MumOf3WR