Boys are gross. And a bit weird. Sorry if you’re a boy reading this, but it’s true. From the perspective of a grown woman anyway. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve witnessed my sons doing certain things, or retelling certain stories, where I’ve had to check in with my husband,
“Is this weird or normal?”
Having been a young boy, once upon a time, he’ll often answer with “Yeah, that’s pretty standard.”
The other day, while Hubby was getting dinner ready for the boys, spaghetti and meatballs, he witnessed Middle Man pick up a meatball on his fork and say to his brothers “Hey, check this out!”, as he rubbed the meatball into his armpit, then ate it like it was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted…. “Mmmmm”.
Hubby comes out to tell me what he’s just seen.
“Gross,” I say. “I can’t imagine ever doing that, or even thinking of it!”
“I can”, he replies. “It’s pretty hilarious”.
I’m not talking about the kind of gross that is – eating food off of the floor, eating mud/dirt/sand/pet food, drinking from puddles (all of which I like to think has built up a healthy immunity for the 3WRs). I’m not even talking about the unflushed poop surprises, or the urine all up, down, around and everywhere but the inside of the toilet bowl. I’m talking proper gross.
It’s to the point that I think we might need to start a new award within the household. You may have heard of the abbreviation ‘G.O.A.T.’ meaning Greatest Of All Time. It’s used to refer to someone or something of legendary status – sportspersons, actors and actresses, films, artists… the best of their field. Think Muhammad Ali of professional boxing.
In our house, it means something different.
Introducing the ‘Grossest of All Time’ award.
There have been so many scenarios that are in for the running…
In third place…
On the car ride home from school one day, last year, Big Boy tells me “I put a corn chip down my pants today, Mum”
“Okay…” I’m baffled. “What are we talking? Front? Back? But mostly, why?” I query.
“At the front of my undies. I wanted to know if it would still taste good. So, I put it in there at morning tea, and then pulled it out again and ate it at lunchtime”, he tells me.
I’m lost for words. After a long pause, I ask tentatively “And how did it taste?” I actually would rather not know the answer.
“It was pretty soft but still good” he responds with confidence.
“Wasn’t it uncomfortable? And wouldn’t the salt, like, irritate your penis?” I’m just so puzzled. What on Earth would make anyone want to do that?
“Nah it was fine”, he replied, moving on to a conversation about Minecraft or some other random YouTube video.
Runner Up goes to…
The cute little one, Crazy Cat. Now we can’t forget about Crazy Cat, playing quietly in the yard one afternoon with his bubble machine. He was out there, happy as can be, for such a long time while I was pottering in the garden.
“Mum, there’s no bubbles left” he yelled out.
“Ok sweetie, I’ll get some more for you in a minute”, I yelled back.
After I’d finished what I was doing, I glanced back over to check on him, only to see that he had found a solution. Crazy Cat was peeing straight into the reservoir of the bubble machine, hoping this would top up the bubble mix. Disappointingly it didn’t work. Turns out his urine wasn’t quite up for the job. Not to worry. He was pleased with himself, and it saved me a trip upstairs to get more detergent.
The stand-out winner of the coveted G.O.A.T. Award goes to…
Big Boy, for a moment of sheer grossness at age 4.
It was a hot summer’s day, out in the backyard, Big Boy was playing with the hose, making water slides. After a while, it was time to turn off the hose, so that we didn’t waste any more water. “Ok Mum”, he said reluctantly after I’d told him the news and he carried on playing.
Hmmm, that was surprisingly easy. No tantrums. I thought to myself.
“Look Mum, “I’m making my own water slide!” he yelled out…
There he stood, at the top of the blue plastic Kmart slide, looking back over his shoulder at me and grinning from ear to ear, impressed by his own ingenuity… while he pulled down his pants, peed down the slide, and proceeded to slide down the pee, all the while squealing with joy, “Weeeee!”
Wee indeed!
Congratulations, Big Boy, you are officially the Grossest Of All Time.
I hope that he feels proud to hold the title for now. It’s only a matter of time until the next gross feat by one of his brothers takes the win. I’m also fairly certain, there is plenty more grossness out there.
To the readers.
Are there any challengers out there for the G.O.A.T. Award? Tell us about the gross and funny things that your kids have done. Or even your gross feats from when you were a kid.
We’d love to hear from you, just not while we’re eating.
Thanks,
MumOf3WR