Something’s been going on lately with me. It’s like I’ve been going backwards. But in a good way.
I’ve been stripping things back. Stripping back the expectations that I’ve had on myself. The expectations that have been put on me, by parents, teachers, family, friends, and society. Plus those put on me, by me. I’ve been looking for clues about myself. Who I am. More so, who I was, before I had to grow up and get all boring.
I went digging through some boxes of sentimental stuff. I’m very lucky that my Mum was the type of person who kept a lot of sentimental things. I have folders of school photos and artworks, old diaries and knick-knacks. Mum kept every little precious scrap. Whilst digging, I came across a time capsule from 1997, titled ‘All About Me’. It contains details about my friends, family, pets, hobbies and things I loved at age 9.
As I was reading it, I thought, “Oh yeah, that’s right! I love flowers. I do love gardening. I love animals. I love spending time with family and friends. I love art. I love listening to music and singing. I love writing and reading”.
All of these things that I loved, as a kid, that I loved at my core, are still true today.
And yet, I overanalyse things. “What am I going to do with my life? Who am I? What is my purpose?”
These big life questions have always seemed so impossible for me to answer.
They’re drilled into you in different ways through your schooling years, and forever after. “What are you going to do when you leave school?” and “What are you going to be when you grow up?” These questions seek answers in the form of a job description, title or role. They are so limiting in their nature. They condition us to think that if we can’t answer these questions easily, or in a certain way, then we’re not normal, or we’re a failure for not having it all figured out!
Case in point. When I was asked as a young child, “what are you going to be when you grow up?” I used to answer ‘Florist’ or ‘Vet’. All I knew is that I loved plants and animals.
I don’t think a job exists for the ‘work’ I want to do. There is no job description or role out there for ‘who I am’, for ‘what I’m going to do with my life’ or for ‘what my purpose is’. So, for years, for so many years, I’ve been floundering. Trying to ‘fit in’ to some arbitrary job description or category in order to find purpose and meaning in my life. I’ve studied and worked in the retail, magazine publishing, hospitality, insurance, mining, and human services industries. But none of these have been ‘who I am’ at my core. They have been jobs, but they are not me.
I’ve been trying to find meaning in life through the work that I do, but that is fraught with challenges, and oh so limiting. I have had glimpses of meaning and purpose throughout many of my jobs, but when I left that role, or the funding was pulled from that project I was employed in, the feeling of meaning and purpose went with it. Again, I was left wondering… what am I going to do with my life?
Are we not just meant to be here to live life?
I tried asking my 9 year old son “what is the meaning of life?” and do you know what he answered?
“Umm, I don’t know…. to have fun?”
That little girl in me is still there, and I think I know what she needs… to have some fun!
Life as an adult is so fucking serious. It is so exhausting. There are so many rules. There are all of these limitations on what I can and cannot do as a ‘responsible adult’. I remember being a kid and thinking “when I’m an adult, I’ll be able to do whatever I want!”
The 9 year old me feels a bit rorted some days! “This is a stitch up!”
What I didn’t realise as a kid is that being an adult means even more rules, expectations and responsibilities. Family, friends, work colleagues, uni mates, every aspect of society – people will come at you with all of this bullshit about how you ‘should’ behave. What you should look like. What you should wear. What car you should drive. What type of house you should live in. What type of work you should do. What type of relationship you should have. How many kids you should have and at what age. (God forbid you don’t actually want or can’t have kids!) Every fucking aspect of your ‘person’, of who you are, is up for scrutiny, by seemingly well-intentioned people, wanting to give unsolicited advice about what makes you a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person.
Maybe I just want to have fun. I want to play and muck around with friends and then laugh about it afterwards. I want to go dancing at a disco, eat junk food and drink soft drink until my teeth get furry! I want to splash and swim in the ocean, and collect shells at the beach. I want to walk through the forest and pick flowers. I want to make mud pies and throw them at my brothers! I want to cuddle with my pets, and go spot lighting for animals after dark. I want to sit out under the moonlit sky and look for shooting stars, while cuddling under blankets.
None of these things will bring me any money. None of these things will earn me a living. But at least I will feel alive while doing them. They will remind me that there is more to life than rules, and roles and responsibilities. They will connect me to the little girl who still lives inside me.
I think we really need this sort of fun in our lives. To remind us what it feels like to really live. The little girl in me really wants to drop back my days at work and be in the garden, press flowers, hang out with my chickens, grow some veggies, maybe learn more about caring for wildlife. I think I’m going to honour her. I think it’s about time that I listen to her and show her some love and appreciation for her wisdom.
I think we could all benefit from a little bit more fun, a bit more play, in our busy lives. From the little girl in me, to the little kid in you… go out and have some fun! Run amok and laugh about it with your friends.
Lots of love,
MumOf3WR
P.S. I love that one of the things the 9 year old me wanted to do well was ‘chopping wood in half with my hand!’ I definitely still want to learn that!!
P.P.S The little girl in me has already started rebelling! She wanted to get a piercing. None of your business where!