I’ve been listening to this audiobook over the past week, called ‘Mating in Captivity’, by Esther Perel, a relationship therapist, and I have had the most incredible epiphany about sex.
But first, a few distinctions.
The book is about relationships and understanding the differences between love and desire. Desire in the sense of, not just sex, but also the erotic. We all know what sex is, I’m not going to define that, but there is so much more that fits under the banner of erotic/ism that has nothing to do with sex. Erotic experiences might include dancing, playing or listening to music together, cooking and or eating a meal, savouring different flavours and smells, having deep and meaningful conversations, the sensation of touch, and so much more. When a relationship is new, and we’re romancing another person, these erotic and pleasurable things we do quite naturally. We plan our dates down to the finer details. Not only the place, time and activity, but the clothes we wear, the perfume or cologne, the food and drinks, we put a lot of passion into the atmosphere we’re trying to create. We are acutely aware of how we behave and the subtle body language of ourselves and others. There is anticipation, mystery, and a sense of longing.
Once you ‘have’ someone… this all goes away. As you start getting closer and more comfortable with one another, you become more intimate. Intimacy is defined as a ‘close familiarity or friendship’ (Oxford Dictionary). You show parts of yourself to another person that many have not seen. You feel safe enough to take off the mask and reveal yourself.
This is where the author tells us, lies the paradox of relationships. There is a conflict between our need for safety, security and nurturing, and our need for adventure, freedom, and desire. Trying to have these opposing needs met, for both partners, takes a lot of work. As love and intimacy intensifies, desire and adventure declines. You get more comfortable. You make adjustments to yourself to ‘fit’ the relationship. Even the most self-assured and independent person does this in order to fulfil their innate need for security and safety. Desire and eroticism fall away to make room for familiarity.
Back to my major epiphany… What was most astonishing to find out from this book, was that in our culture where sex is used to sell everything from cars, clothing and chocolate bars, to alcohol, makeup and lawn mowers, we actually don’t like to talk about sex. We are happy to show it, suggest it, and use it for marketing purposes, but to talk about it? No way. We don’t even like to talk about sex with the person who we are having sex with! At least that seems to be the case within intimate relationships.
Think about it. If you are in a long-term relationship (or reflect on a past relationship), when was the last time you had a conversation with your partner about sex? What you do and don’t like about it? How you feel about it? If you’re anything like me, ummm never. Maybe a few comments here and there when you first started dating. But since then, not at all. Opening a conversation about what turns you on, what you find sexy, what turns you off, what is uncomfortable, how you like to be touched, and so forth, is so risky in intimate relationships. You have more to lose. There’s more at stake when you’re emotionally invested in a relationship. When it comes to your sexual fantasies, quirks and kinks, you may hide parts of yourself for fear of being judged, or being vulnerable. If I tell my fantasy to my partner they might make fun of me, or worse, think I’m weird or disgusting! What if my fantasy is about someone else, will they think I’m being unfaithful? Then what!?
This becomes a barrier to desire and adventure, which is exactly what your safe and secure relationship needs to keep it alive!
It’s not only your preferences, i.e. sexual positions, fantasies etc. that can be discussed. But what do you even think about sex? Does it make you feel dirty, sexy, ashamed, powerful? How were you raised to think about sex? Some of this stuff may be unsettling for you, which you might need some professional help unpacking. But, it all plays an role, whether conscious or not, in your relationship dynamics.
A great exercise that Esther suggests is to take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, and on the left, write the heading ‘love’ and on the right side, the heading ‘sex’. Then think about your immediate associations with the words, using some of the following prompts;
Doing this activity (even on your own) may reveal that you have vastly different beliefs around love vs sex. Understanding your own, and your partners’ views about sex can help you to understand any barriers to one another’s love and desire. It takes open communication, trust and vulnerability to have these conversations, and in doing so will also enhance intimacy within the relationship.
In case you haven’t already guessed, I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is in a committed relationship, or anyone who isn’t. It’s a fascinating read/listen and will help you to think about yourself in different ways and learn new avenues to explore for personal growth. We don’t talk much about sex in our society. We’re often ashamed or embarrassed to discuss it, particularly when it comes to our own pleasure. I say, “Fuck that! We’re all adults. Sex is there to be enjoyed”.
Go forth and plan a date with your partner, with as much excitement and passion as you would if it were a first date. Pay attention to the details. What will you wear? Where you will go together? What will you eat and drink? What music will play? What activity will you do together? And importantly… When will you meet again? Do all these things to re-ignite the feelings of desire that you once had. Then, during the date, open up a conversation about sex. It will be worth it!
Share your date ideas here, I’m sure we could all do with a little inspiration.
Cheers,
MumOf3WR