Is it ever ok to be selfish?

I’ve been pondering lately, the question… “Is it ever ok to be selfish?”

Growing up, I was taught that to be selfish was about the worst thing that anyone could be. I watched my Mum help everyone around her, constantly. I watched her give, and give, and give. Every material thing that she had, every non-material thing she had, she was generous with it all. She even gave her most precious asset, her time.

Imagine, growing up, caring for 9 children, and 12 grandchildren. How much time would you have left for yourself?

Fuck all is the answer!

I didn’t think about it back then (before she passed away), but I used to call her, any time of day, when something was wrong, when something was bothering me, just to say ‘Hi’, or to share some news. Of course, my other siblings would be calling too, for many of the same reasons. She’d be getting calls from all of her children about this, that, or the other. She’d take every phone call. Relish every drop in. The only limit on this, was not to call or interrupt her between 4:00-4:30pm because ‘Bold and the Beautiful’ was on, and that was her time. 

My Mum was the epitome of self-less. Hands down the least selfish person I’ve ever known. I grew up idolising my Mum. I was in awe, and often bewilderment, of her compassion and kindness.

But I also witnessed her frustration. Saw how she internalised it. She was a martyr. She found it hard to say ‘no’ and people knew that about her. I witnessed people take advantage of her kindness, and abuse her generosity. People who would treat her like a doormat. She gave, and gave, and gave, to her own detriment at times.

We’d say to her “Why didn’t you just say ‘no’?”

To which, she’d respond “It’s not that easy”.

As teenagers, my brothers and I thought this was a hilarious sentiment and would go “No, no, no, no, no. See, it’s easy!” Smartarses!

I loved my Mum. Her compassion and kindness was one of her most admirable qualities.

But, I don’t think I can be like her in that sense. I think I want to be selfish.

Which brings me back to my pondering… Is it ever ok to be selfish?

… Absolutley!

Not only is it ok, but it’s essential.

In my own experience, it is essential that we, as fully fledged adults, are selfish about meeting our own needs.

If we do not meet our own needs, no-one else will! It is no-one else’s responsibility to do this for us.

Before I dive into a spiel about ‘needs’, I’m going to have to direct you to the old ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’ model from psychology, which sums things up beautifully.

 

(Source: https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html) 

 

Now, I can hear you asking, “But what if I’m married or have a partner?”

To which, I have to say, not even then. It is no-one else’s responsibility to meet all of your needs.

I’ve been under this false idea for years that in a marriage, my husband is responsible for making me happy. For fulfilling my needs as a human being. I think society sets us up for failure in expecting all of this from a partner. And in all honestly, it’s got to stop.

There are things that we share responsibility for such as meeting our basic needs – food, water, shelter, safety and security, and ensuring these needs (and many more) are met for our children.

The things is, when I became a wife, and more so, a mother, something changed in me (and I’m only just recognising this now). I unconsciously gave over the responsibility of taking care of myself, to my husband. I put my children’s needs before my own, and then left my husband responsible for picking up the slack.

I needed Hubby to provide the basic needs for the household. I appreciated that he could do this for our family. I was grateful that he would go to work for the day and earn the money to pay for our rent, groceries, power, transport, and water, all of these fundamentals. After a while, I resented him for it.

What I didn’t realise in becoming a mother, was that I also gave over my psychological needs – the need for belonging, love and intimacy, including friendships and community. As well as my self-esteem needs – self-worth through achievement and independence, as well as respect and recognition from others.

I was so desperate for these needs to be met! I was seeking comfort and companionship from other mothers (belonging and friendship). When I couldn’t get this in the playgroup circles and mum catch-ups, I’d be seeking it from my husband. Of course, I didn’t get this ‘sense of belonging’ from him. He could not relate to my experience. How could he? He’s not a mother.

I was searching constantly, for recognition. I’d spend all day at home, keeping these children of ours alive and wanting to be something, anything more than ‘just a mum’. When I couldn’t find the ‘sense of achievement’ in raising children, I started searching for it elsewhere. I started studying again. Sometimes it was too much to juggle. I’d feel like such a disappointment. I had thought I was capable and independent. Yet, my brain felt frazzled and it was impossible some days to get more than a few minutes of time to myself, the last thing I felt like doing was studying! I’d feel so stressed out with deadlines and my inability to concentrate. Again, I’d be seeking this validation of my own self-worth from my husband. He would be supportive, trying to alleviate the pressure…

“You don’t have to do it if it’s too much!” he’d say tenderly.

“You don’t understand!” I’d bark at him “I need this!” And it’s true, I did need it. I needed to feel worthy. I needed some glimpse of the person that I had been before. Before becoming a wife and a mother, and handing it all over. This pattern started to develop in our relationship where I would have a problem (an unmet need) and my Hubby, being a loving partner and engineer, would take it upon himself to solve the problem. The catch was, it wasn’t his problem to solve. I needed to take responsibility for meeting my own needs.

So, I’ve started being selfish. I’ve started taking responsibility.

Beginning with moving towns. I needed a sense of security. I needed to put down roots, literally, and set myself up a home and garden that would be our forever home. I needed a sense of belonging and community, and to live closer to my family. I needed a job, in order to have my own independence and sense of accomplishment. I needed to receive recognition and some monetary reward for the work that I do. I needed to feel good about myself, and feel confident in my own skin. I made decisions that have been selfish by the very definition of the word. But in my view, they have been essential. The alternative to me being selfish, was that I continued to isolate and berate myself, and sink deeper into depression. It might seem a bit dramatic from the outside looking in, but if you are a wife and mother reading this, I’m sure you will relate.

So, I think I’m going to keep being selfish from now on, and not rely on anyone else, including my husband, to meet my needs for me. It has not been fair to expect that anyone else can understand what it is I need. Particularly, when for so long, I couldn’t even work this out for myself! I get how we got to this point, as there is a lot of give and take that comes with caring for young children, when their needs have to come before your own a lot of the time.

I’m taking responsibility for myself. I’m being selfish. In the purest form of the word. I have to be a mother to myself. If there is something that I need in order to fill my own cup, it’s up to me to go out and get it! I hope you all can be a bit more selfish too. 

Signing out with a few Dad Jokes on the theme of ‘Shellfish’.

Take care and much love,

MumOf3WR