To the guy I was nice to at the pub,
The loner at the bar who I gave an awkward smile to, out of kindness. You took that smile as a gesture to come a little closer. An invitation to spark up a conversation. You started to tell me a bit about yourself, what you’d been going through. A story about how you’d come to be there that evening. Maybe it was a sad story that I listened to for a little too long, wanting to leave, but not wanting to be cold towards you. I said, “I’m sorry you had a hard time. I’m going to go back to talking with my friends now”. Maybe it was a story about how much of a stud you are, or how tough you are. “Cool story bro. I’m gonna go now” I laughed, as I turned my back to you. I was letting you know that I was not interested. Not sure if you picked up on this?
As I was sitting there with my girl friends on a fun night out, you invited yourself into our circle, invited yourself onto our table. You nestled in at the end of our spot and proceeded to plant yourself there firmly. My strong friend, the ‘bitch’ of the group, said straight away “tell him to fuck off”. That seemed too harsh. I responded with “it doesn’t take much to be kind”, ignoring my body’s signals and my friends’ words that were telling me that you were ‘a bit of a weirdo’. But I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt “you never know what someone is going through” I’d often tell myself. I guess, it’s because I know what a difference some kind words and a simple smile can make to someone’s day. I know all too well the statistics surrounding men’s mental health. I don’t want to be responsible for someone going home and topping themself because I was a bitch to them. That was a lot. But it’s how I feel.
So, I allowed you to linger there a little longer, thinking to myself “I’m sure he’ll get the message if I turn my back to him. Ignore him. He’ll get the picture. He’ll read the room.” Some guys get it and move on. But you didn’t seem to get the message. You persisted. Not sure if you think that makes you more desirable? For the record – it doesn’t. Or maybe this is your strategy to wear me down, like “she’ll give in eventually”? You offered to buy me and my friends’ drinks. Maybe when I was younger and had no money, I might have agreed. But, no way. I’m not making that mistake again! So, I politely declined “No thanks”. I didn’t want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression. I’m not sure if you’ve pick this up. But I’m not out looking to hook up. I’m just here at the bar with my friends. Simply being kind. Simply not telling you to “fuck off!”. I wouldn’t want to be a ‘bitch’ after all.
The night went on, the hints got less subtle. It’s starting to piss me off now. Starting to interfere with my night out. You’re starting to ruin my night. My mates start being more obvious. Saying things very loudly to deter you. Somehow, you’re still completely oblivious to the fact that I’m not interested. You seem almost determined not to pick up on these hints. All I wanted was to go out and have fun with my friends. “Maybe we should go somewhere else?”, I suggest to the girls. “He’s not getting the hint”, I say again, baffled. Finally, I decide to take their advice and say something.
“Excuse me, my friends and I are just trying to enjoy a night out together. Could you please move to another table and leave us be?”
It’s like something snaps in you. You’ve been nice as pie to me all evening. Playing the long game. Playing the kind game. Playing the Mr-Nice-Guy game. But something snaps. Your pride is hurt. You take off your mask. You lash out.
“What the fuck is your problem!? I’ve been nice to you all night! I was here first. This is my table, you can leave!” you yell at me.
You call me a bitch, and a slut. You’re angry now. Insulted by my honesty.
Those words hit me though. This is not the first time I’ve heard them. This is not the last time I’ll hear them, by guys like you. For a moment the ‘nice girl’ in me thinks “just leave it go”. But then the rage, the injustice, for every fucking time I’ve been in this position, boils up in my throat. I get angry back. I’m thinking, Two can play at that game, mate. You want to see angry!?
“I do not owe you a god damn thing! I am just trying to enjoy a night out with my friends. I have tried to ask you nicely. You have not listened. That is not my fault. Now fuck off and leave me alone!!!”
I’m almost screaming by the time these last words escape from my mouth. Seething with rage.
You walk away now. Finally. Thinking to yourself ‘What a fucking psycho bitch!”
I want you to know something. Actually, I NEED you to know something. I do not owe you a thing! Not a single fucking thing. If you wanted to do or act in certain ways, they were your choices. If you expected something from me in return, then that is on you! Take some fucking accountability for YOURSELF. I am not ‘leading you on’ by being kind and compassionate.
You are not entitled to anything from me, simply because you are a man and I am a woman!
I am not a bitch or a slut because I am setting boundaries.
If your feelings are hurt, take some fucking responsibility for your own feelings and move on. Do your own inner work. Grow the fuck up. Do not lash out at me in a childish tantrum.
To you, I’m just some hot chick at the pub. But to me, you are that same fucking prick who ruined my night all because I was nice to you. This is the same fucking scenario that has happened to me since I was 18. The same scenario that happened to me most recently, just this week – with my kids and husband around, mind you! This same fucking bullshit will probably still be happening when I’m 58 or 68! And it makes me angry!
So, guy at the bar, could you kindly just FUCK OFF!
Thank you,
From all of the fed up women out there.
Women.
Please don’t stop being kind. But be firm. I have made the mistake too many times to ignore my gut feelings and be nice when I should have been mean. Kindness is an amazing thing, and the world needs a whole lot more of it. But listen to your gut, listen to your friends, and be as subtle as a fucking sledgehammer in saying “I am not interested. Go away!” when it needs to be said. I am writing this as much for me to remember, as I am for you.
Men.
If you’re a man reading this, the fact that you are taking the time to read this far, means you’re probably already self aware enough that this doesn’t apply to you. Thanks for being a decent human being. But for those men whom this letter is intended for… Read the fucking room. Hear the words coming from my lips… My kindness does not equal consent. Full stop.
Rant over.
I have the pleasure, challenge and responsibility of raising 3 young boys who will soon become men. My responsibility is to do my best at instilling the values of Respect, Kindness and Accountability in them. This is something that is somewhat within my control. I can model healthy boundaries. Their dad can do the same. We can show them what respectful, kind and accountable behaviours and relationships look like.
I hope that in years to come, our boys will be the kind of men at the bar who can step in when their mate is acting like a dick towards a woman, and remind them about the right way to treat other human beings.
So much love,
MumOf3WRs