I think modern day feminism is a stitch up.
I don’t think it meant to be. There are many great facets that have come out of feminism and feminist movements that have given girls and women more power over their lives. The right to vote, reproductive and abortion rights (in some places), rights in the workforce, child care, rights of lesbians, trans, women of colour and immigrant women, more legal protection from sexual harassment and abuse, and movements bringing men into the conversation to champion alongside women for their rights to safety, equality and power.
But I feel like feminism has stitched me up, in some ways.
I’ve always felt so much rage and frustration about being a girl. Even from a very young age. “Why did I have to come into this world as a girl?” I remember thinking, growing up with older brothers, feeling left out and like life just wasn’t fair! My Dad often tells me about this one story from when I was 4.
My brothers were 5 and 8, playing happily with GI Joes (army barbie dolls from back in the 90’s), whilst Dad was reading a newspaper. As the story goes, I stormed over to the youngest of my two brothers and whacked him hard in the head with my hand. My brother started crying.
Dad responded, asking me “What did you do that for!?”
To which I yelled “They wouldn’t let me play with them!?”
Dad was confused, “You never asked them?”
I’m crying now too, “They wouldn’t have let me anyway!”
I was distraught, my brother was distraught. My Dad was confused.
I could have minded my own business and kept playing on my own. But I couldn’t help feeling excluded, and then… angry!
I was like that through my high school years also. Always fighting out against injustice (perceived or real). I’d see something that I thought was wrong or unfair and I’d want to make it right. I just didn’t always know the best way to go about things. Yelling at my teachers. Fighting with boys, and girls. Always so angry!
In my 20’s, I’d be out at the pub, having drinks with friends, telling off guys that I saw being sexist towards women. There was a girl, one time, who dropped her handbag, the contents of it going flying across the dancefloor. I got up from my seat to help her, and this young guy goes over towards her, and I’m thinking, “That’s nice, he’s going to help”. Instead, he slaps her ass as she’s bending over to pick up her belongings… I see red!
“No!” I yell, holding my forefinger up at him, like a cross school teacher.
He’s shocked, “No, what!?” he yells back.
“No, to being a douchebag! Clearly, she’s dropped her stuff. Be a decent human being and help her pick things up. Show some respect!”
“Oh, ok”, and so he does.
Another time, my boyfriend’s friend, starts talking about my mate, who he’s been seeing casually.
“She’s such a slut!” he tells the guys. “Who just fucks someone and then ghosts them!?”
Oh no you didn’t just say that! I’m on my bandwagon again.
“Mate, she is not a slut! You don’t get to call her that! You are both single adults who can do what you like without any attachment. Just use protection. Man up! Admit that your feelings got hurt and stop trying to bring her down with your bullshit insults!”
No response from him. My boyfriend was shocked. I shrug it off and go over to dance with my friends.
Back to Feminism.
There are so many feminist beliefs that I have internalised that impact on my views of the world, my relationships, and how I see myself and others. I think part of it came from my mum. She never outright used the words feminism, but the ideology was there. She’d tell me “Always make sure that you have your own money, in case you want or need to leave”. Even her dying wish, in sharing with me her health insurance money, was to “make sure you hang onto this money for an emergency, in case you need it. It is your money, no-one else’s”. I don’t think she would have intended it to, as she loved my husband, but it planted a seed in my head that I could never truly settle into my marriage. Like, it could all blow up in my face one day, and if I didn’t have anything that was my own, I’d be left with nothing.
And I get it. It was very different during the late 70’s and early 80’s for women’s rights. When Mum was a full-time ‘home maker’, it came at a cost. A loss of identity and career. A loss of sanity and solitude. Constantly looking after little ones, without any break. When she was working, it also came at a cost. The expectation in her sales job, as a door-to-door encyclopedia salesperson (yes – that was a thing!) was to ‘work like a man’. But, of course, she had to look like a woman – leveraging her good looks to her advantage to increase sales. She did well for herself, working long hours, earning a great commission. She was able to help provide for the family and even buy nice things. But the cost was to her family. Lugging her children along with her to meetings when they were sick (unable to go to school and no childcare services existed). Relying on friends and neighbours to child-mind. Putting strain on friendships. At one point, she missed the signs that one of my sisters was very unwell, requiring antibiotics, and she ended up in hospital with pneumonia. This scared my mother so much and she felt such immense guilt in letting her work come before her children that she made a choice to never do this again. Exiting the workforce. Never to return to it. Choosing a frugal, simple existence instead and dedicating her life to her family.
Queue, 21st century waves of feminism, which tell us that women CAN have it all and BE it all. We can have a career AND a family. We can do all the things that our male counterparts do…
This, my friends, is a double-edged sword.
Setting us up for the inevitable failure of trying to juggle the ‘un-juggle-able’.
In most modern hetero relationships, women still bear a lot of the mental and emotional load of parenting. Remembering all the tasks, activities, obligations and duties of raising children – in what is often referred to as the ‘second shift’ – the unpaid load of maintaining a household and child-rearing. This is not the case for all households, but most.
Modern feminism also tells us that we can chose not to have kids altogether. However, for the women who decide not to have children, there is still a stigma in society about not being ‘maternal’. As if this equates to being un-nurturing, selfish, or driven by money or power. None of which are undesirable traits when placed on men. But critical towards women.
I wonder, sometimes, whether feminism is part of the reason why I cannot relax into a partnership with my husband, even after 15 years together, and feel like an equal. Feel like we’re a team. I’m constantly comparing myself to him and feeling insignificant. Like I do not provide enough. My earning potential in human services is dismal in comparison with the wage of a qualified engineer in the mining industry. Why bother? My wage was barely enough to cover the cost of the childcare required for me to participate in the workforce.
When I wasn’t working, the reason I couldn’t feel settled was because I was served the message of feminism that in order to be a strong, independent and capable woman I must NEVER be reliant on anyone else, especially not a man! I felt so uncomfortable not having my own money. My husband would say that it’s our money. But this never felt right to me. Hence, I’m more comfortable working to ‘contribute’ to society, and to the household. Yet, the more I contribute financially, and the more hours I work, the more I’m left feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, unappreciated and undervalued for all the additional work that I put in at home.
What if something were to happen to Hubby? What if he left me? What if I decided to leave him and I couldn’t support myself and the children!? I’d have to work full-time to even come close to earning enough to live on our own, and how would I manage all the household and child-raising responsibilities on my own!? In my mother’s era, custody would often go to the father, as he had the ‘means to provide’ for the children, leaving many women in poverty after a separation. No wonder my Mum was worried for me…
But! That is not my stuff. I no longer need to hold onto these fears and “what ifs” that were never mine to begin with. Fears that feminism has instilled in me.
What if… I was allowed to be content and happy with where I’m at. What if… it’s ok to be in a partnership where we ebb and flow through life’s stages and support one another as needed. What if… I could just let go of the reigns and accept that I don’t have control over how things do or don’t turn out? What if… I stopped expecting and preparing for the worse and just enjoyed the many blessings in my life? What if… I made choices for myself, asked for what I want and need, instead of holding onto resentment, anger and the perception of unfairness.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if… I just to let go of the bullshit belief that if I don’t have to be responsible for everything all the time and feel that sense of relief that comes with sharing the burden of parenting and providing with my husband.
And I’m sorry if you are reading this, and you are a single parent, including Dads, because this will sound self-indulgent. I see you, I respect you, and I acknowledge that you may not have that as an option. This was my Mum’s experience too, and I saw her struggle and her exhaustion. I also saw her strength, resourcefulness and independence. But I also want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many others who walk the path with you. Please speak out and ask for support and love from the people who surround you. I recognise that I write this from a place of privilege. Not having to navigate the many other obstacles of prejudice and injustice that can come with being of a different race, sexual orientation, religion, age or other.
I know these seem like extreme views to hold onto, but they have been entirely unconscious for so long. So, it’s time to call them out and start re-framing and ridding myself of them. Why is it that I cannot settle into a feeling of partnership in my marriage?
Because feminism, stitched me up!
Made me feel like I could do and be everything but didn’t tell me the reality that it would leave me unable to trust another to help take care of me and share the burden of responsibilities. Sold me the lie that I could have AND be it all, but that I’d have to do it on my own. Feminism told me that I was not to be reliant on a man for wealth, or emotional connection. To do so was to submit and become subservient domestic help. Feminism has left a stain on my marriage, that I need to start creating something beautiful out of instead. Like Mr Squiggle creating a rocket ship out of some lines on a chalkboard.
I can start to figure out what DOES AND DOESN’T work for me, my marriage, my family and career, and build from there. I can establish where my priorities lie. I can be mindful and reflective about things as I go through life’s stages and seasons. That’s pretty much all I can do.
By the same token, feminism taught me to be strong, to know myself, to speak my own truth and to help others less powerful to speak up too. I’m not going to stop being angry overnight. Anger is a valid and powerful emotion that lets us know when our boundaries have been crossed. We need it. It’s important and is good to express in non-destructive ways. I’m still working on strategies for this… I’m also not going to stop being a feminist overnight. But I am going to see my husband as a team mate and not the enemy.
I’d love to know your thoughts? Do you feel like feminism has stitched you up? Or what’s the most important lesson you’ve learnt from feminism?
Well, that’s my rant for today.
Much love,
MumOf3WRs