It crept up on me slowly, this time around. This nagging feeling in my chest. This pressure and weight, like a boa constrictor wrapped around my lungs and heart. Not feeling like I could get a full breath. Not being able to pause for long enough to breathe fully.
There were some signs, in hindsight, that could have tipped me off. Changes in me that my mental health was spiralling. Like a slinky down a staircase. Here’s 5 signs, in my experience, that your mental health might be slipping.
- Spending more time on my phone
In general, I don’t spend a whole lot of time on my phone. I like to look at Google Photos memories, listen to music, read my horoscopes, send a few text messages and check my emails. Gradually I was spending more time on my phone. Not doing anything productive, but numbing out. Whether it be scrolling Instagram or Facebook, getting sucked into ads and buying random things I didn’t need, downloading crappy block or word puzzle games and losing hours of my time that way. I’d also see fall victim to ads telling me I needed the latest, newest app to take control of my ADHD and routines. This would piss me off that the algorithm was so invasive! I’d lost control of my time. My fucking phone knew it! I was numbing out, distracting myself, wasting time to avoid feeling whatever was too uncomfortable.
- My routines disappeared
Things that keep me grounded and mentally well are routines. Starting the day with walking the dogs around our property, awakening my muscles, my mind and lungs. Taking in a bit of nature. Followed by a quiet cup of tea down in the “Quack Shack” with my ducks, watching as they nibble up their breakfast peas greedily. These two things take about 40 mins, but have such a positive impact of improving my mood and energy levels. Winding down at the end of the day with 15 mins of yoga stretching helps my body to relax and facilitates better sleep. Sometimes, I’ll journal for 10 mins to do a brain dump if my mind is busy. Otherwise, I’ll read a novel or autobiography until I get sleepy. That’s my normal. But what happened was that the scrolling on my phone until late, meant that I was going to bed later, without doing my yoga. Either unable to fall asleep, or being restless through the night, resulting in poor quality sleep and late nights. So, I’d sleep in, I’d run out of time to get up to walk the dogs, or have my peaceful morning cuppa. Often during the day, I was exhausted, and that night I’d crash out early without doing my yoga again! Routines gone, just like that! It is so easy to disrupt daily routines overnight and start a self-perpetuating negative cycle.
- Numbing out with substances
I’d often pair numbing out on my phone, with drinking at the same time. Alcohol is my number one numbing agent. Some people use marijuana, mushrooms, other pharmaceuticals, or even food. Occasionally, I’d smoke, depending on how numb I wanted to get. The bottom line is, my alcohol use, was steadily increasing. There were no longer nights without it. It was becoming an internal countdown in my mind until I could get home for a drink. It wasn’t even excessive most of the times. But it had crept up from a glass of red wine with dinner, to 3 glasses in a night. Or a couple of beers, plus a couple of rums. Everyone has their own tolerances, so numbers are less important than the intent of the use. My intent was not to feel. To avoid feeling. Or it was unintentional. A mindless habit (addiction). Here’s a little note that I wrote on one of the the days’ after…
“My brains a fog. My head’s a thumping. I drank too much. I fell down hard and bumped my head. I wasn’t sad. I felt real good, until I didn’t. I just don’t know why I started drinking in the first place. It was a Tuesday night.”
- No longer doing things I enjoy
It’s not like I didn’t know what signs to look out for… it’s not my first rodeo. It can just be a little hard to detach from these behaviours when you’re fully immersed in them. Think of it as holding a book up against your face, so close that you can’t decipher the words or images, it’s all just a blur. The pages say…
“Get off your phone.
Get outside.
Take some deep breaths.
You don’t need to drink.
You are ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
Go and get some support”
Again, it’s all a blur. You’re too close to see it for what it is. I was withdrawing from doing all of the things that normally light me up. I’d make excuses for why I couldn’t do things. I’m not painting, because the kids will want to join in and it’ll make too much mess, which I’ll have to clean up, so I just won’t bother. I don’t want to make plans with friends, what if on the day I’m in a bad mood and don’t feel like socialising. I can’t go for a hike, I don’t know any of the trails around here. I’m not writing, I don’t have anything to say. I’m too tired. I don’t care anymore. It’s hard to recognise when you’re ‘in it’. That’s why it’s so important to have helpful, supportive, and non-judgemental people in your life, to gently and curiously question what you’ve been doing for yourself lately. To listen for these excuses, these subtle changes in behaviour or outlook, before they become to deeply entrenched. If you get pissed off by being asked the question “what have you done for yourself lately?” that’s usually a sign that you’re in it. Time to get out again.
- Oversensitive to everything
The more mentally unwell I become, the less tolerance I have for noise, mess, and criticism. I’m generally annoyed by loud noises, especially in small spaces, i.e. the car, kitchen. But, I normally have the capacity to notice and respond with some control. Same with mess, I can let it go for a little while, just as long as I have my bedroom to retreat to, which is tidy. The less mentally well I am, the less tolerant I am of any of these things. Ironically, the more mentally unwell I am, the messier and noisier I am, which means I’m also contributing to the mess and noise. I feel for the boys when I’m in one of these states of overwhelm. I just have to leave. I can’t control the chaos around me, so I just go! Again, with the avoidance. As they are getting older, at least they can take some ownership for themselves. “Big Boy, could you please make some toasties for yourself and your brothers?. Middle Man and Crazy Cat, could you please set the table and tidy up after dinner? I’ll be outside”. They can do this. I just need to go outside. I hate feeling angry and frustrated at the kids more often than not. Feeling like a shit parent, more often that not. I’ve been here before. But this time around, my biggest sensitivity was a friend saying to me, “You’re so weird!”. Granted, at the time I was dancing around the office with a pet moth in a container that my youngest had asked me to take care of for the day. Normally, I’d laugh and totally own it. Of course I’m weird. I genuinely believe that there’s nothing wrong with being weird, and I tell my kids this all of the time. But this one little comment set me off into a negative self-talk spiral, which over the course of the afternoon and into that evening, turned into…
“I’m so fucking weird”… “What’s wrong with me?”… “Why can’t I just be normal?”
It became an insidious niggling attack at my worthiness, at my lovability, it made me feel like a worthless piece of shit! Thankfully, I noticed the shift fairly quickly. Over the course of the weekend, it took root. I knew that I was in need of help again. I was on my way to work on the Monday, and I had such an intense feeling of anxiety and dread about going to work. I didn’t want anyone to see me. To ask me “How was your weekend?”. I was brinking… (a made up word)
“brinking” – noun – the feeling when you’re on the borderline or brink of tears without any obvious reason.
I was brinking. God forbid anyone ask me “How are you?” I could not bare it. I could burst into tears at amy minute. And I did. Half way through my drive to work I was sobbing. I pulled over, and the tears that I’d choked down for the past month or so started to explode out of my face! I’d been swallowing them back for too long. Yet again. “How the fuck am I back here again?!” I chastised myself.
The answer is, I’d been giving too much of my self – to work, to others, and not leaving any reserves. I’d been living the opposite of my own values, again. I’d been feeling so out of alignment, wondering what the fuck it was all for! Feeling so disconnected from my true essence. Just going through the motions – day in, day out. Rushing around and not making time for anything meaningful. Feeling perpetually exhausted, numb and devoid of feeling. Squashing down my inner voice each day that says “This isn’t you.”
I’d back chat, like my 10 year old… “Oh well, it kind of has to be for now, we need the money.”
“True”. It would whisper back, “but your kids and family also need you. The whole you. Not the remains”.
So, I’ve been back to the GP. I’ve rearranged my hours at work, so that I can have a day off during the week. A day to myself, for the most part. A little bit of rest and re-set. I’m not messing around with my medication just yet, I’ll see how this change goes. I’ve found a Psychologist nearby, and I like her. I’m still keeping an eye on myself. Allowing myself to pause when I need it, which can be hard over the Holidays when the kids are home all the time, and there are a lot of social events happening. There’s an expectation to show up! But, I’m listening to myself and taking some much needed rest.
Just a reminder to you beautiful people out there, to check in with yourself. Or have your friends or family check in. You are worthy. You are loved. You are going to be ok. And it’s ok to ask for some support.
Much love to you,
MumOf3WRs