My mum always told me that sharing is caring. At least I think she did. It’s one of those sayings that I picked up in childhood that’s stayed with me all through life, and now I say it to my kids.
I’ve noticed something lately. When I open up – share – about my experiences and struggles with mental health and not coping, I find that many other women, and even a few guys, share with me their own experiences of struggle.
It’s made me realise that there’s some deep shit that we’re all either going through, have been through, or will go through, at some point. Yet, we’re not talking openly about it.
We have days to open up conversation – RU OK day. Is it enough to do this once a year? RU OK Day is such a brilliant initiative and so important in breaking down the stigma of mental illness. But, is it this approach that allows people the space to share their minds, their deep shit, and speak their truth? What if on RU OK day, you were feeling quite good?
It always seems to go that way for me. I have a psych appointment scheduled on the day that I’m feeling great. Not on the days when I’m having an absolute shit fight with myself, trying to keep afloat with day-to-day life. In my experience, the unravelling of a person’s mental health is something that happens over quite some time. It took about 5 years for me to completely unravel, triggered initially by a major event (grief and loss).
This isn’t always the case. One thing that is for certain, is that we all have a multitude of coping mechanisms that can keep us going, sometimes for a very long time before we completely fall apart. Some people keep busy with work, sex, drugs, alcohol, co-dependent relationships, any number of ways to avoid and distract us from our pain.
I think when we see another person being completely and unapologetically human, when we see someone admit that they’re having a hard time and that life can be really shit, it gives others the permission to show that side of themselves as well.
Maybe we all need to show up more with our shit on show?
Are we showing up honestly? Are we arriving at school drop off, at work, at our other commitments as our true self? Or are we putting on an act? Are we showing up at home, with those closest to us, as our true selves? Your closest friends might know the truth, if you’re blessed to have these people in your life, but not many others are not privy to this version of you.
Instead, we fake a smile when someone asks us how we are doing, and respond ‘Yeah, good” when we are absolutely not good!
Then after we’ve burnt out, taken stress leave, or god forbid, worse, the people around us say, “I can’t believe such and such is on stress leave, they seem so organised, so capable, so well put together”.
Maybe if we showed up as we are, it would permit others to show up as they are. Without the judgement, the shininess, and the bullshit. Sharing is caring. Caring for yourself, and others.
Social media can be a beautiful thing. It can help people and groups to connect across the world, and it can share information and ideas rapidly, across all languages and demographics. It can also be a big load of BS! Total and utter bullshit! We are not all shiny, beautiful and blessed every damn day. We are a raging flood of all the emotions, of all the realities of life, and we are ever-changing. We don’t get to see this on social media, it’s impossible to capture our humanness within the context of a simple photograph, video or 280 characters.
So, how can we respond to the question “How are you doing?” or “Are you okay?” honestly?
We can breathe and say “actually, I’m having a hard time right now”. We can admit this as much to ourselves, as to the other person.
I would hope that this person can respond with empathy and can listen to us, if we feel like talking, or at the very least ask, “do we need some help?”
But if they fob us off and don’t seem that interested, don’t get disheartened. It happens. People get busy, life gets busy, and they also might be having a hard time and just don’t have the capacity to be there for someone else at that time.
We can always tell someone else, someone who can show us compassion.
My sister told me of a code that she uses with one of her best friends. When either of them is having a hard time and just needs to vent, but is feeling unimportant and doesn’t want to impose on the other. They say, “Hey, do you have 8 minutes?”. This means, no matter what’s going on with you right now, I am close to rock bottom and I need someone to listen and be with me. I thought this was brilliant. A quick Google search found me the origin of this idea, being shared by Simon Sinek. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/2lH6x5zn0GI
If you need longer than 8 minutes, if it’s been going badly for a while, and you just don’t find any enjoyment in the things you used to, you can go to your GP and start a conversation about it, and get the help you need.
The point is. Be yourself. As you are. Some people might not give a shit. But the people who matter will.
The people who have been where you are will get it. They might even be able to let you know that you’ll make it through, because they made it through. That person might be able to help another person through their experience. If we all help each other along the way through our deep shit, we might just be alright. At least that’s my hope for humanity.
Lots of love,
MumOf3WR